ch-ch-changes

mmm its been forever since i last posted anything in this blog.
partially because i forgot it even existed... but i think it's best if i remember the blog so that i can openly vent about nonsense. since i have a laptop now, i should be able to vent as things happen, more or less.

my boyfriend is going to heavy mtl in a week and im very jealous. i just really wanna see megadeth. one day though.

i'm moving out in less than a month to school. it's a very scary thought. i don't even know who my other roommates are. the only one i know of is this tall, skinny, beautiful girl. we haven't spoken other than to acknowledge that we're int he same apartment. i hope she's nice.

in more uneventful news, i'm sick. i ate two wraps today and i could barely choke them down. my mom  thinks it might be allergies, since i'm the only one who ever gets sick. who knows though. i just wanna get better. the insides of my ears itch and im constantly taking cold and sinus medicine. it's no fun. on the plus side, tomorrow is my day off of work, and i only have two weeks left of work. so i'll try my best to rest and get better. (Playing lol and ac counts as resting right??)

anyway i can't think of much more to say right now, so i'll end this post here.

burgers

watching some bobs burgers
that show is so great
i've been doing okay, not worrying too much
exams are close
but that means so is my birthday so yay

hm

i wasn't really able to enjoy christmas dinner this year
we held it early, since a lot of family was going to be in scotland for christmas day
dunno
drank my wine and then coffee too quickly
and they didn't mix well with pain killers
but nonetheless it was nice to see family
even though they all expect me to know exactly what im doing with my life
since i graduate this year
but whatever
i can't wait for christmas day
i hope everyone likes the presents i bought them
anyway, ive got to shower now
i also have to work xmas eve ;c
and then boxing day but ill live, whatever

maybe

i think things will be okay

hey hey wanna play?

today was okay
im doing so poorly in school
im so tired of everything
i want to jump off a building but augh

also i hate my body
i couldnt stand my boyfriend rubbing my stomach today while we were watching a movie
it just made me feel so massive
and im constantly stuck between wanting to starve myself so i can be skinny again
and trying to recover
i just dont know what would cause more suffering on my part

ok that sounds stupid to you probably
but
i think id rather be miserable than fat

oh

it actually scares me when i notice i have page views
so why dont i make this blog private you ask?
because i hate the idea of putting out these thoughts and them never being heard
but still
it frightens me when people are able to read what i'm puking out on to the keyboard
its strange to know someone out there that you dont even know will read your deepest thoughts

oh well ill stop bein a pussy
because YEAH

anyway
huge bio test tomorrow
im screwed
because i cant concentrate for shiiiiiiit
should i talk to my doctor?
maybe
but how do i tell my mom i need to start seeing my psychiatrist again?
hnng
maybe i can just email the doctor
and she'll give me a prescription or whatever
that i can give to my family doctor
thatd be nice i think
some adderall or SOMETHINg
because i seriously cant concentrate
am i just lazy or is there something actually wrong chemically inside my brain?
who knows

whats strange is that i actually want something just to help me concentrate. for once i am not focussing entirely on the fact that meds like that lessen people's appetite
though to be honest i really wouldnt mind that one bit

i think ill change the email that is linked with this account
im just so paranoid
not that anyone really has the email i use for this
but you know
whatever

wow i wonder if anyone actually reads these
and what if someone out there relates?
wouldnt that be so nice
just to know that theres someone out there who is as messed up as i am?

anyway i still have to finish my study notes and read 110 pages for english if i want to survive that class
and then work in 2.5 hours hooraaay

cold

okay so i needed a blog where i could actually post things
and not have my sister find it
she means well, but sometimes i'd just rather no one i know know about me
you know?
okay that was confusing, im sorry

im sick and tired and i'm just so confused about life
why am i incapable of loving someone for more than like two months
as soon as they're mine, im tired of them
like why
god im impossible

then there's me being a fatass
i mean they warned me at work that working there makes people gain
but i didn't really believe them
bringing my own snacks/lunches from now on
can't afford to be in the 90s i just cant

its like 8 30 and i think im going to go back to bed, despite sleeping until 1
whatever
at least i did chem today

okay goodbye

wait no here are some things that i think are beautiful ok

like if the point of life to find love

and i suck at being IN love

then whats the point of my life

you know???